Destroy She Said

Smirnoff Black Cherry reminds me of when my dad died.

That seems strange, doesn't it? Why would cheap alcohol take me back to one of the worst times in my life? The answer is fairly simple. It is also sort of why listening to "Destroy She Said" by CIRC reminds me of then (still a good song that I do play when I feel like it).

The time was August 2006. My mom was called to Las Vegas for work and took my brother with her. I asked for the weekend off work and got Friday through the next Monday, an added bonus of one day. I was going to drive out there to meet them, but first I was going to take my dad to the store like my bro always did. That Thursday night I worked 6-11pm as a bagger. Before I left, I called and talked to him to confirm everything. He was really happy because I generally didn't spend much time with him. I went to work like always. That night I came home and drank the rest of my bro's vodka, not at all worried because he would buy me more the next day. He did almost anything I asked of him when I did ask. So I went to bed.

The next morning I got up and got ready and called him to see if he was ready to go. There was no answer, which was odd for him because he always answered the phone. I waited and called a few more times. This was when I knew something was wrong. I got into my car to go to his house, and "Destroy She Said" played on my radio on repeat until I got there. I was already expecting it, but he was dead.

That song and that vodka remind me of then the same way some weird Asian horror movie with Wyatt and Carri, Denny's with Jose, and the song "Jellyhead" do. I'm not sure that will ever go away, and when I listen to that music or drink some cherry Smirnoff, it takes me back to those days. I do have good memories like how he was so happy that I might get the chance to work in the lobby at my store. Two weeks later I was scheduled back there, too late to tell him about. I also was hanging out with Wyatt more, and there was a funny power outage at my store the week prior. It's weird to have nice memories mixed in with sad ones, but I know he could rather me hold onto the good things than the bad. He always laughed at stuff in between complaining, and I miss all of those things dearly.

It has now almost been fours whole years since he became a big mass of energy floating around the universe. I miss him every day, especially as I go on in life and get closer to my goals. I know he would be so proud of me going to UCR and doing well and having a plan in place. He would listen to me bitch about work and make me feel better. The day I graduate I know he will be there in spirit, but I selfishly wish he could be there in flesh, even though he was sick and suffering until his death. I would give almost anything to hug him and feel his Santa Clause beard tickle me again. Yeah, he might have smelled since he couldn't shower, but when I hugged him, that didn't matter. He was my daddy, the only one I would have. So those things that remind me of when he died also remind me of his life. And you know what? I smile inside because I know he would be doing the same thing.

Dumb Comment of the Day

Awesomesauce

Rant.

Why do the networks always cancel the shows I like? The list goes on...Invasion, Eli Stone, The Reaper, The Middleman...and now apparently the Legend of the Seeker.

Pissed.

All of those are good, new, and different.

But they get canceled presumably because they cost too much to make versus the profit they make off of the ones who watch. I though in the beginning that reality TV was a fad...sadly I was wrong. People are stupid and easily amused because their lives are so empty they can watch that other nonsense and be entertained hence make the networks money. Well screw them.

See, this is why I hate being a fan fiction writer and reader. Someone comes up with something that is really good and interesting, but they do not finish it. I myself am guilty. You get into it and then...canceled! Too bad. And yet they come out with Shrek 4 (and I love Shrek).

I'm just irritated right now.

Multiverse Theory

"In my heart..."

...there's no doubt of who I want to be."

A few blogs posts ago I talked about my feelings on finally going to UCR. What I failed to articulate was how different this was for me so I will try and rectify that with this entry.

The school system I went through was set up like this:

K-5 is elementary
6-8 is middle school/junior high
9-12 is high school

For me, 6th grade and 9th grade were pivotal years. What I mean is that these were years when I had to do a lot of adjusting as a child and teenager. I repeated the same pattern by not doing my course work and not getting the grades I should have been getting. I was capable, but something made me stray. That same thing made me f'up my first year in community college. This is why I know I could not have handled uni right away (among other things...I am so grateful to community college and my wonderful professors).

But when I transferred to UCR, even under a major that was not my first pick, it was my choice. I did this. I wanted this. I earned this. And guess what? My first quarter I got a 3.67 GPA and made honor roll. I am so enthusiastic about graduating and grad school and teaching that now it is part of who I am more so than anything else has been (at least in public).

Life may not be what I imagined it would at this age, but life rarely works out the way you plan. You learn to adjust, and you take things as they come. It makes you who you are. I mostly like who I am with the occasional discouraging reminder of what I am not happy about at that moment, but I am getting there through the rough spots. And I am learning along the way.

Things to do instead of...your anthro short paper

1. Go the store where you work on a day off and shop

2. Watch TV and half read your education textbook

3. Browse Cracked.com

4. Check Facebook

5. Play with your bokken in the backyard

6. Play with your plastic sword in the backyard

7. Ride your old Razor scooter

8. Write a blog of things you did instead of homework