Open Letter to My Brother (that he may or may not see)

You may rant about you friend, but you will never know what it’s like to deal with someone who truly has issues and refuses help. Neurotransmitters are no joke. They are not a conspiracy by big pharma. Sometimes people’s brains suck and don’t make them. My anxiety has shown this to me first hand. Mom and Dad both had depression and took pills that worked at various states in their lives. Oftentimes people don’t have family, insurance, or both. Mom may be gone, but you always had her, and you still have me. You also have the luxury of living in California, which provides you healthcare. You have support and access to treatment, and rather than compromise and look for something that works, you still put me through the ringer even after we agreed to do each other better. Yet here I am. Just last night you were telling me how grateful you were for me not giving up, how you loved me. Then tonight you get irrationally angry at a dumb joke, and I snap in frustration. I’m sorry. Yelling is immature, and I should never yell unless its Charly grubbing for food. If you think back on it, the last time I yelled was a month ago. I am trying so hard, and I’m sorry I slipped. But rather than meet me halfway, you shut down and then you sped off in your car with no insurance and that is not registered, putting yourself at risk of a cop having a boring/shitty night. You made me cry because yet again all my efforts felt worthless. I wished so hard for Mom, but she is gone, and I am left to live with and try and help you alone. On the bad days, it is crushing, but I persist.

I need to say some other things to try and make you understand all that has happened and that yet Mom and I both stayed and tried to help, that I am still trying no matter how sad and angry your actions make me. 

You’ll never know how it feels to be afraid of someone you love and afraid for them at the same time. I took it to extremes and cried and ran to Mom, but since she died, I have learned how she enabled me and how I was acting like a jerk a lot of the time. Still, you put so much stress on her and me, and I yet here I am. The way she always was.

You will never know how each bad episode gives your loved one a flashback and makes them experience PTSD. Last year, when you cut yourself on New Year’s and ran off and were finally taken to the hospital, Mom and I had terrible anxiety. Every sound we heard made us jump, made us wonder if you came back. We cried to each other and both finally fell asleep sometime after 3am. Mom didn’t even want to call you for the first day or so because she was so traumatized. Yet she cashed in her saved, special quarters so you could call us. She drove me to see you, and she finally relented along with me when It was time to pick you up. We bought Taco Bell and brought you home under the agreement of new beginnings, of listening to each other.

We persisted. Just like when we came to see you in Chino Hills at that one place back in 2012, I think. I went to work having no idea where you were and was worried because a girl called the cops that you were threatening to harm yourself with a bag. We wouldn’t know for two more days until they allowed you to call us. We came. We brought clothes. We saw and talked to you. We promised to bring you home. This was where you were first diagnosed. Looking back on the signs and symptoms, Mom believed you had been bipolar since high school. She felt it described your negative behavior like stealing, being influenced, and your strange yet amazing drawings. She felt so bad she had never looked into it before, like she failed you somehow. You were her son. She could never fully give up no matter what happened.

You may diagnose you fiend with your affliction, and I feel badly for her if she has it. But you need help, too. I have agreed. I have tried. But the flip flopping and the getting angry and the shutting me out hurts. Grandmom is getting up there, and Uncle Rob and I have never been terribly close. You are my flesh and blood brother, the only other one who shares half of Mom and Dad with me. I just wish there were words I could say that would make you see where I am coming from. Nothing I have written here was with the intention to hurt you. I simply want you to understand, to truly try and be better. You were in a manic episode yesterday based on your energy level and how much you got done. (Yeah, I’ve been a sloth. I know there’s stuff I need to do, and I promise I’ll do it.) Then today you were down and slept all day to recoup that energy. Based on your mood, I’d say it was also a depressive day. I have bad days, too. I recognize when you have them because you do have normal moods. But your unregulated moods kill me emotionally and spiritually. Again, I just want you to know. I am not making a declaration or anything. If we truly are to get along, to be better, then I felt like I needed to let you know all of this. If we aren’t honest with our feelings, then nothing can be better. Just please read them and try to understand. Be rational when you discuss any points with me. I just want to be normal.

Resources

A teacher once told me to think of me as a resource, to invest in myself

And to do everything to make myself scarce

Sage advice, no?

Only I'm not the only one who has invested in me

That list is much too long

And yet, I think of it, every now and then...

My mom, for having, loving, and supporting me, even at my moodiest

My dad, for forgiving me plus the above

My grandma, for pushing me and always expecting more

My grandpa, for thinking about my future, my education and for trying to see into my mind

My teachers, for encouraging me, for making me want to learn

My professors, for making me think, explore, and question

My old supervisor, for knowing how much I like to and can help people

My state, for granting me so much aid I have two degrees and no student loan debt

My university, for accepting me into their fold

My friends, though we've parted, for helping me grow up and get through it

So when I'm disillusioned, when I think how much life sucks

I remember it isn't all about me

I have to do well, not just for my future

I must do well for them

None of them ever demanded anything back

But I owe them a return on their investment

Even still, they would rather me feel as if I owed myself

And for that, I will never stop owing them

No matter how much I invest in myself

4/27/2012

CGS

“Resources”

Things

Found this from my creative writing class senior year (2004).

Things to tell a younger me or for an older me to remember.


"11 December 2003

Period 5


Live life. Don’t hold anything back, and have faith in what you believe. Never back down against anyone else or give in your ideals for them. Keep an open mind regarding anything that may come into your life. Don’t discredit something simply because you don’t understand it. Treat others in the manner in which you wish to be treated, and don’t let people get to you. Their opinions and words don’t mean a thing. All that does matter is how you feel about yourself. Be courteous and generous, even if the favor is not well received. Keeping your values in a world where there are none is worth as much as a thousand thank-yous, but don’t stop giving them out yourself, either. Don’t hold anything back, even if you don’t like where you think it may lead you. In the end, the journey and destination will be worth any pain. Take risks. Caution is best exercised in moderation like anything else, and being too careful will seal you up by yourself. Never desire to be alone. Despite what many may advocate, to love and to be loved is a greater gift than anything material anyone could ever give you. Most importantly, always follow your heart no matter where it leads you. It knows you better than anyone else and will never steer you wrong."

Nature

The breeze whispers in my ear

A silent tale that none can hear

And the sun reclining in the sky

Watches different passers-by

Dried up leaves upon the floor

Are trampled loudly, nothing more

While water streams by a fallen log

The brush is dense and thick like fog

Let all who come here stop and behold

The one called Nature, Her glory foretold

And look ahead at no other reason

For the days and for the seasons

Just open your eyes so you can see

Her power, Her presence, and Her beauty

-1:01 a.m. 9/3/07

-Revised 9:21 p.m. 9/9/07

GSD Family Tree (Part II)

Allon = first well-known trainer from Pallet
Theodore = Oak patriarch
Abel = mayor of Pallet
Theodore = headmaster of Pallet's postal service
Samuel = researcher/professor
Robin = Sam's wife, Gary's grandma; met Sam in university
Reed = their only son; works for Silph Co.
Kathy = Reed's wife, Gary's mom; also works for Silph

Reed and Kathy basically dump Gary with Samuel and don't spend much time visiting him as they travel a lot for their jobs.

GSD Family Tree

Katherine = Marcellus' second wife; genius but often unethical scientist
Petrea = their daughter, who chases after a boy from an odd family
Minerva = Madame Boss, founder of Team Rocket and Giovanni's mother; connected to Samuel Oak
Devon = from Pallet; returns from Almia, marries Melia, and disappears on a journey
Melia = Delia's mother; opens the Pallet House and dies while Delia is with Team Rocket
Misty et al's parents = former gym leaders who died in Sinnoh when Misty was young
Tivoli = Tracey's father, who lives in the Orange Islands
Emi = Tracey's sister who adores him and lives with their dad

GS Distress Timeline (Minor Spoilers)

1943 Marcellus Hakubi, Minerva Sakaki, Samuel Oak, Robin Melia, Devon Ketchum born

1954 Miyamoto born

1959 Samuel enters Celadon University early

1962 Samuel obtains undergrad degree; begins graduate studies

         Marcellus Hakubi transfers from uni in Sinnoh to Celadon

         Minerva starts there as well

         Sam, Marcellus, Robin, and Minerva become friends

1964 Marcellus and Minerva marry

         Giovanni Sakaki-Hakubi born

1965 Marcellus graduates while Minerva drops out; they start a
         business

         Sam and Robin marry

         Devon Ketchum returns to Pallet and marries Melia

1966 Reed Oak born

         Delia Ketchum

1967 Marcellus leaves his family and returns to Sinnoh

         Minerva takes on alias of Madame Boss and founds Team
         Rocket

         Samuel becomes a doctor in his field

1971 Miyamoto joins Team Rocket

1975 Jessie born to Miyamoto, James to wealthy family

1980 Mewtwo project begins as quest for Mew; GS Ball commissioned

         Liz's father, part of TR, meets her mother

1981 Miyamoto goes missing; Jessie is put into foster care

1982 Delia begins studying under Professor Oak

         Brock Slate, Tracey Sketchit born

1984 While doing research, Delia meets Giovanni, joins Team Rocket

         Liz's father quits

1985 Liz born; her mother dies shortly after

         Gio and Delia become engaged; shes leaves him and returns to
         Pallet

         Madame Boss retires, leaving TR to her son, who becomes
         Viridian's gym leader

1986 Misty born; Gary Oak born (April)

         Ash Ketchum born (May 22)

1987 Robin Oak dies, leaving Sam in a depression; his lab suffers

1990 Liz's father murdered to frame Giovanni; MB steps in to prevent
         this and arranges for Liz to be raised by Johto family

         Daisy, Violet, Lily, and Misty's parents die in accident in Sinnoh

1993 Jessie and James join TR, meet Meowth

1996 Tracey leaves home to become a watcher

         Brock becomes the Pewter gym leader when his mom leaves
         and his dad becomes a hobo

         Misty obtains her trainer's license but doesn't leave home yet

1997 Ash, Gary, and two other trainers from Pallet receive their
         licenses, leave Pallet

         Ash meets Pikachu, Misty, Team Rocket, and Brock (April)

1998 Ash earns his final badge (April)

         Ash comes in the Top 16 at the Indigo Conference (June)

         Ash, Misty, and Brock leaves for the Orange Islands; Brock
         stays with Prof. Ivy

         Ash and Misty meet Tracey and Lapras

         Ash becomes the Orange League Champion (October)

         Ash, Misty, and Tracey return to Pallet with the GS Ball

         GSD events occur

1999 Gary competes in Johto at the Silver Conference, quits training
         to do research (June)

         Misty's sisters leave on a cruise; she becomes gym leader

2000 The sisters return, but only Daisy helps out around the gym

         Tracey and Daisy begin dating

         Max Sakaki and Abby of TR begin a journey in Johto

2001 Brock decides to pursue a career in Pokemon medicine

         Max, using an alias, competes in the Silver Conference (June)

2002 Max competes in Hoenn at the Ever Grande Conference;
         recalled to TR base for more training (June)

         Cerulean Gym obtains distinction as top-rated gym in Kanto

2003 Gary stays in Cerulean while he investigates declining number
         of water Pokemon off of the cape; he and Misty fight but
         form a strange friendship; he leaves for Sinnoh

2004 Neo comes to Madame Boss and they hatch a plan (January)

         GSD II events occur (April)

         Marcellus and Giovanni decide to work out father/son
         relationship

         Gio and Delia decide to work on their relationship

         Ash refuses Gio's tries but forgives his mother, begins seeing a
         doctor for his split mental personalities

         Ash finds out that his league record as Max is under review

         Tracey begins seeing Zoe

(next 3 months...)

         Ash reconnects with his old Pokemon and gets closer to Misty,
         who stays in Pallet

         Gary leaves for Sinnoh

         Ash trains often and hard

         Ash's record is cleared, and his achievements stand (July)

         Ash, Misty, Tracey, and Zoe leave for Sinnoh

         LIH series occurs

Every Last Bit

School was a mixed bag
I excelled academically (usually)
I floundered socially (mostly)
And yet I am fortunate to say and feel
That I never hated any of it

Lucky, I guess, that I was naturally curious
Seeking, wanting, needing, asking
Fed information by teachers, which never satiated my mind
Close to others who were like me
(Some just lazier, I guess)

School was awesome
Even into higher ed, Chaffey, and UCR
Though homework and exams made me feel otherwise
Made me stress, study, proofread a million times
But still were satisfying with a passing mark (or top billing)

So to give such a feeling (hope, inspiration, pride)
To someone else
That makes it all worthwhile, every last bit
Start to end, beginning to my present
Their beginning to their future

How I was inspired, how I will inspire
It doesn't end with school
We never stop learning
Hopefully they take away at least that
And my job will be worth it

Every last bit

CGS

date unrecorded.

Lonely Ambitions

The idle hum of the refrigerator
The tick-tocking of the clock
The faint beep of a faraway scanner
These are the sounds of loneliness
Faint voices, laughing, talking
The sunshine they soon will see
The breeze, the fresh air after the rain
While the rest of us work idly away
A job pays the bills, and these people are like family
But sometimes I think about when I will join the other side
And not be chained to baskets or a checkstand
My ambitions go further
So why don't I chase them away from here?

CGS

15 July 2012.
on lunch break between 3 and 4 pm.
breakroom.

Darkness

If you look in your heart for darkness

Darkness is what you will find

You can let it outshine your light

Use it to justify the pain you inflict on others

Or you can recognize that it does not define you

For human nature is a duality, torn this way and that

To be one, to be the other, to be both

Being is nothing at all

Because we can all be something

It is our actions that define who we are

Just make sure you can live with those actions

And make damn sure you can live with or without those who are affected by them

They may mean more to you than you ever could have realized

4/28/2012

CGS

“Darkness”

Change

“A childish mind will turn to noble ambition”

Or so I was taught by a video game long rooted in my childhood

And yet I cannot place the day when such delusions of grandeur

Were replaced by that vision of what was to come

My fantastical notions of saving a world became grounded

I was never cut out to save the world

But shaping it for the better was well within my reach

It was about time I settled in to chasing that credential

And chase it I did

Even if it took four more years

4/26/2012

CGS

“Change”

The Boy

Twelve was not a good year

I had no friends

My grandmother died

My mom's dad was hurt by his own dog

The idea of seventh grade is just a painful thing in my heart

But I did connect with a boy

I was the go-to Zelda girl in homeroom

I discovered my love for science

As thirteen grew closer, my life brightened

I can blame it on my new gang (courtesy of that boy)

Maybe it was beating Zelda finally

But probably it was him

I guess twelve wasn't so bad after all

4/27/2012

CGS

“The Boy”

Steps

The first step is always hard
I don't remember my first baby steps
Though I had a penchant for rolling everywhere
And escaping my crib during nap time
I don't remember my first adult steps
Was it graduating high school, learning to drive, getting a job?
Or was it finally deciding to aim for university for real?
I do remember the first step towards myself
It was on a playground with a boy
Who convinced me to trust him, to trust me
Right foot first, then left following closely behind
I didn't just take a step, I took a leap of faith I could, I would end up on my own two feet
His small smile was proof that I was right

4/27/2012
CGS

“Steps”

Updating the ol' FF.net profile

...and saving the previous one here just because

September 13, 2010

So it has begun. I have started rewriting all of my Pokémon/Zelda crossover stories as well as editing my Pokémon series GS Distress. In between this, I am also still working on A Hero's Sojourn as well as my original works. If updates are sparse, that's why, especially since school will be starting again on the 23 for me. Luckily my class load is not too much this quarter. Eventually I will finish my Triad saga, I just don't know when.

Lately I have been back into Pokémon, both the games and the anime since I found out they show repeats on Boomerang. I really hope this will motivate me to finish my stories a little bit faster. I have also gone through Ocarina of Time again, hoping to get ideas on how to handle the temples in my story. Hopefully it worked. Guess I'll just wait and see.