Destroy She Said

Smirnoff Black Cherry reminds me of when my dad died.

That seems strange, doesn't it? Why would cheap alcohol take me back to one of the worst times in my life? The answer is fairly simple. It is also sort of why listening to "Destroy She Said" by CIRC reminds me of then (still a good song that I do play when I feel like it).

The time was August 2006. My mom was called to Las Vegas for work and took my brother with her. I asked for the weekend off work and got Friday through the next Monday, an added bonus of one day. I was going to drive out there to meet them, but first I was going to take my dad to the store like my bro always did. That Thursday night I worked 6-11pm as a bagger. Before I left, I called and talked to him to confirm everything. He was really happy because I generally didn't spend much time with him. I went to work like always. That night I came home and drank the rest of my bro's vodka, not at all worried because he would buy me more the next day. He did almost anything I asked of him when I did ask. So I went to bed.

The next morning I got up and got ready and called him to see if he was ready to go. There was no answer, which was odd for him because he always answered the phone. I waited and called a few more times. This was when I knew something was wrong. I got into my car to go to his house, and "Destroy She Said" played on my radio on repeat until I got there. I was already expecting it, but he was dead.

That song and that vodka remind me of then the same way some weird Asian horror movie with Wyatt and Carri, Denny's with Jose, and the song "Jellyhead" do. I'm not sure that will ever go away, and when I listen to that music or drink some cherry Smirnoff, it takes me back to those days. I do have good memories like how he was so happy that I might get the chance to work in the lobby at my store. Two weeks later I was scheduled back there, too late to tell him about. I also was hanging out with Wyatt more, and there was a funny power outage at my store the week prior. It's weird to have nice memories mixed in with sad ones, but I know he could rather me hold onto the good things than the bad. He always laughed at stuff in between complaining, and I miss all of those things dearly.

It has now almost been fours whole years since he became a big mass of energy floating around the universe. I miss him every day, especially as I go on in life and get closer to my goals. I know he would be so proud of me going to UCR and doing well and having a plan in place. He would listen to me bitch about work and make me feel better. The day I graduate I know he will be there in spirit, but I selfishly wish he could be there in flesh, even though he was sick and suffering until his death. I would give almost anything to hug him and feel his Santa Clause beard tickle me again. Yeah, he might have smelled since he couldn't shower, but when I hugged him, that didn't matter. He was my daddy, the only one I would have. So those things that remind me of when he died also remind me of his life. And you know what? I smile inside because I know he would be doing the same thing.

And I Miss You

I've been missing my dad a lot lately. I see little kids with their fathers, and I miss those days. I miss talking to him, going to his house, just whatever. Next weekend we're going to finally release his ashes. My mom doesn't like them here, but my brother has seemed reluctant in letting go. But I think I'm finally ready.I don't know why it took so long for me to really miss him. Maybe my grieving process has just been really slow. I don't even really want to talk about it too much. I just wanted to get that part out in the open somewhere. I acted like a brat for so long to him. He wasn't the best dad ever sometimes, but he was my dad. He was my only dad. I wish he was still here so much it makes me sadder than anything, even last August when he died. That was more than a year ago now, and sometimes I even picture how I found him. Then I push it out of my mind. That wasn't the dad I knew, and he wouldn't want me to remember him like that. He was fun. He took us cool places, bought us cool things, and was there for the important stuff. When my parents got divorced, the only real change was that he lived in a different house. I remember lying at the park with him and Andrew, and we all played 20 Questions. I remember when I graduated fifth grade, and that night he took my to his job to lock up and they were paving the parking lot. I remember him coming to the awards for track and field when I was on the team in sixth grade. I remember the flowers he gave me at my eighth grade promotion, and I remember him dropping me off early after I spent the night at his house for the field trip to Dana Point. I rememeber all of these small things that meant so much, and I miss him. I miss him more than I've ever said aloud. I reread the blog I wrote last December about it, and it made me feel worse. That's why I'm writing now. I only want to remember the good guy he was, even though it makes me want to cry. I really don't want to cry tonight. If his energy is still floating around the universe, I hope he knows how much I mean that, how much I still think about him and how much I love him.