"I will never know
myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything 'til I break away from me
And I will break away,
And find myself today."
--My feelings, high school/early twenties. This band impacted me in several ways, and this quote is a good example of how. May he rest in peace. May his family find comfort despite the loss that he was adored by fans, many of whom whose lives he impacted and even saved. I'm so sorry he lost his battle. Hopefully we use this as a talking point about mental illness. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it affects people any less than something more physical.
Showing posts with label music. Show all posts
Showing posts with label music. Show all posts
Thursday, July 20, 2017
Friday, July 8, 2016
Blurb
As the 20th anniversary of the first Spice Girls single is upon us (in conjunction with the talk of late about the socially constructed notion of race in relation to how people are perceived and treated) I remembered something.
In my stupid girl clique of 5th grade, we all were labeled a certain Spice Girl. I was Scary Spice. The reason my friends sorted me this way? My fluffy hair (I had super curly locks thanks to my dad getting my curly hair layered against my mom's wishes). And I accepted it no problem, even though Mel B was black, and I very clearly was not. (My high school friends called me transparent because of how white I was compared to them, which I always laughed at.)
My point? That hate is taught. I never saw a difference with Mel B, let alone one existent because of skin. Going deeper, I never saw my friends for their color, just their similar interests and ability to be friends with a lowly dork like me. I made stupid ass race jokes in 9th grade after 9/11 (not my shining moment and a time I acknowledge exists in my evolution as a person).
There are a million things I can say, and I probably will tomorrow. For now, I just want to point out how biases are stupid social constructs that stem from the inability of people to recognize that differences are not scary, are not stereotypes to help us form opinions that allow us to paint a brush over many individuals. And yet they keep resulting in the deaths of human beings labeled quickly as anything but in the minds of the ones pulling the trigger.
Black lives matter. (All lives do, but I understand the frustration that people with dark skin are thrown aside so often, their voices ignored.)
Violence against law enforcement in general is wrong. Those cops in Dallas were doing their jobs.
People who can see both sides, empathize with them, are labeled a threat along with the people so tired of being ignored. People like Joe Walsh (failed one-term congressman from Illinois who lost his seat to real patriot Tammy Duckworth) only stand for hate and ignorance.
I thought this to myself earlier: We're not listening to their voices. Soon, we won't be able to ignore their gunshots. And that is not an acceptable answer for anyone.
In my stupid girl clique of 5th grade, we all were labeled a certain Spice Girl. I was Scary Spice. The reason my friends sorted me this way? My fluffy hair (I had super curly locks thanks to my dad getting my curly hair layered against my mom's wishes). And I accepted it no problem, even though Mel B was black, and I very clearly was not. (My high school friends called me transparent because of how white I was compared to them, which I always laughed at.)
My point? That hate is taught. I never saw a difference with Mel B, let alone one existent because of skin. Going deeper, I never saw my friends for their color, just their similar interests and ability to be friends with a lowly dork like me. I made stupid ass race jokes in 9th grade after 9/11 (not my shining moment and a time I acknowledge exists in my evolution as a person).
There are a million things I can say, and I probably will tomorrow. For now, I just want to point out how biases are stupid social constructs that stem from the inability of people to recognize that differences are not scary, are not stereotypes to help us form opinions that allow us to paint a brush over many individuals. And yet they keep resulting in the deaths of human beings labeled quickly as anything but in the minds of the ones pulling the trigger.
Black lives matter. (All lives do, but I understand the frustration that people with dark skin are thrown aside so often, their voices ignored.)
Violence against law enforcement in general is wrong. Those cops in Dallas were doing their jobs.
People who can see both sides, empathize with them, are labeled a threat along with the people so tired of being ignored. People like Joe Walsh (failed one-term congressman from Illinois who lost his seat to real patriot Tammy Duckworth) only stand for hate and ignorance.
I thought this to myself earlier: We're not listening to their voices. Soon, we won't be able to ignore their gunshots. And that is not an acceptable answer for anyone.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
He
Would you please take me away from this place?
I cannot bear to see the look upon your faces
And if there is some kind of God, do you think He's pleased?
When He looks down on us I wonder what He sees
I cannot bear to see the look upon your faces
And if there is some kind of God, do you think He's pleased?
When He looks down on us I wonder what He sees
Do you think He'd think the things we do are a waste of time?
Maybe He'd think that we are getting on just fine
Do you think He's skint or financially secure?
And come election time, I wonder who He'd vote for
Maybe He'd think that we are getting on just fine
Do you think He's skint or financially secure?
And come election time, I wonder who He'd vote for
Ever since He can remember
People have died in His good name
Long before that September
Long before hijacking planes
Long before that September
Long before hijacking planes
He's lost the will, He can't decide
He doesn't know who's right or wrong
But there's one thing that He's sure of
This has been going on too long
He doesn't know who's right or wrong
But there's one thing that He's sure of
This has been going on too long
Do you think He'd drive in his car without insurance?
Now is He interesting or do you think He'd bore us?
Do you think His favorite type of human is Caucasian?
Do you reckon He's ever been done for tax evasion?
Now is He interesting or do you think He'd bore us?
Do you think His favorite type of human is Caucasian?
Do you reckon He's ever been done for tax evasion?
Do you think He's any good at remembering people's names?
Do you think He's ever taken smack or cocaine?
I don't imagine He's ever been suicidal
His favorite band is Creedence Clearwater Revival
Do you think He's ever taken smack or cocaine?
I don't imagine He's ever been suicidal
His favorite band is Creedence Clearwater Revival
Ever since He can remember
People have died in His good name
Long before that September
Long before hijacking planes
Long before that September
Long before hijacking planes
He's lost the will, He can't decide
He doesn't know who's right or wrong
But there's one thing that He's sure of
This has been going on too long
He doesn't know who's right or wrong
But there's one thing that He's sure of
This has been going on too long
Ever since He can remember
People have died in His good name
Long before that September
Long before hijacking planes
People have died in His good name
Long before that September
Long before hijacking planes
He's lost the will, He can't decide
He doesn't know who's right or wrong
But there's one thing that He's sure of
This has been going on too long
He doesn't know who's right or wrong
But there's one thing that He's sure of
This has been going on too long
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Music Video Problems
So, as a human student and anthropology major, I have always been into looking at cultures and people and the many things associated with both. As a white hetero female, I have little actual insight into how it feels to be the opposite of one or more of those things (except female because, let's face it, being a girl in most cultures still sucks). However, I like to think that although I do not personally have to experience the stuff they do, I still can see and/or acknowledge more than most of my peers. I can never feel the oppression they do or experience the many levels of crap and appropriation they have to endure. But when I watch a random music video on YouTube, I find issues.
I like Katy Perry. I think many of her songs are catchy and speak to empowerment, whether you be female or not. However, her video for "Roar" was immediately problematic to this white girl when I spotted the first signs representing colonialism. I realize it probably was not her idea, but I still do not like the images. I get that the point of the song is that she does not need a man to tell her who she is and should be and can be her own person, but the video could have been so much better without the tigers and fake Africa setting with the lead guy looking like a white colonial d-bag.
Like, were there no other ways to show a woman who decides her guy sucks and that she doesn't need him to inform her of who she should be or already is? Really? I can think of plenty. Then again, I don't make art or videos for profit based on the assumptions and stereotypes of "strong, independent" women from a Western, male-dominated POV.
So, I enjoy the message of the song. But the images that try to match up to it? Forget about it. I'll stick to my own imagination.
I like Katy Perry. I think many of her songs are catchy and speak to empowerment, whether you be female or not. However, her video for "Roar" was immediately problematic to this white girl when I spotted the first signs representing colonialism. I realize it probably was not her idea, but I still do not like the images. I get that the point of the song is that she does not need a man to tell her who she is and should be and can be her own person, but the video could have been so much better without the tigers and fake Africa setting with the lead guy looking like a white colonial d-bag.
Like, were there no other ways to show a woman who decides her guy sucks and that she doesn't need him to inform her of who she should be or already is? Really? I can think of plenty. Then again, I don't make art or videos for profit based on the assumptions and stereotypes of "strong, independent" women from a Western, male-dominated POV.
So, I enjoy the message of the song. But the images that try to match up to it? Forget about it. I'll stick to my own imagination.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Year in Review: Entertainment
Entertainment that made an impression on my year...
TV
Revolution
Once Upon a Time
Adventure Time with Finn and Jake
Regular Show
The New Normal
Go On
Jessie
A.N.T. Farm
Austin and Ally
Dark Matters: Twisted But True
Summer Olympics
Merlin
Lost Girl
Movies
The Hunger Games
Silver Linings Playbook
The God Who Wasn't There
Winter's Bone
Poker House
The Burning Plain
Episode of Bardock
(I didn't see many new movies this year...or ones that didn't somehow
star Jennifer Lawrence)
Books
The Hunger Games
Catching Fire
Mockingjay
Anthropology of an American Girl
God Is Not Great
Music
“Still
Alive” and “Want You Gone” from Portal
“Call
Me Maybe” - Carly Rae Jepsen
The Hunger Games soundtrack
“The
Fighter” - Gym Class Heroes
“Underneath
the Sycamore” - Death Cab for Cutie
“Easy”
- Barenaked Ladies
“Rifle's
Spiral” - The Shins
“Shoelaces
(Morgan Page Remix)” - The Submarines
“Sophisticated”
- Sarina Paris
“Good
Time” and “Alligator Sky” - Owl City ft. Carly Rae Jepsen and
Owl City
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Year in Review: Music
Passion Pit - Manners
Pokemon 2000 soundtrack
Pokemon themes
Morgan Page - Believe
Lady Gaga
Owl City
Dragonball Kai themes
"Shark in the Water." - V.V. Brown
"Satisfy" - Vedera
"Collide" - Howie Day
"I Am Not a Robot" - Marina and the Diamonds
The Parlotones
Adam Lambert
Spice Girls
"Symphonies" - Dan Black
Pokemon 2000 soundtrack
Pokemon themes
Morgan Page - Believe
Lady Gaga
Owl City
Dragonball Kai themes
"Shark in the Water." - V.V. Brown
"Satisfy" - Vedera
"Collide" - Howie Day
"I Am Not a Robot" - Marina and the Diamonds
The Parlotones
Adam Lambert
Spice Girls
"Symphonies" - Dan Black
Monday, December 20, 2010
I'll spread my wings and fly
"Home will always be here unseen, out of sight
Where I disappear and hide
I daydream of things as I'm waving goodbye
So I'll spread out my wings and fly
I'll spread my wings and fly..."
Since I have recently kind of become obsessed with Pokemon again, this part of "Umbrella Beach" by Owl City reminds me of Ash. At the end of every region, he goes back home to rest and figure out what to do next. He knows his mom and the professor and his Pokemon will always be there waiting for him. Then he sets out again to continue on, always looking forward to reaching his goal and the battles along the way. The spreading wings part is like he's growing up and making his own way, establishing a name for himself (even though according to canon he is still 10 after 13 years).
Anyway, just wanted to put that out there.
Where I disappear and hide
I daydream of things as I'm waving goodbye
So I'll spread out my wings and fly
I'll spread my wings and fly..."
Since I have recently kind of become obsessed with Pokemon again, this part of "Umbrella Beach" by Owl City reminds me of Ash. At the end of every region, he goes back home to rest and figure out what to do next. He knows his mom and the professor and his Pokemon will always be there waiting for him. Then he sets out again to continue on, always looking forward to reaching his goal and the battles along the way. The spreading wings part is like he's growing up and making his own way, establishing a name for himself (even though according to canon he is still 10 after 13 years).
Anyway, just wanted to put that out there.
To the Sky
--Owl City
Shipwreck in a sea of faces
There's a dreamy world up there
Dear friends in higher places
Carry me away from here
Travel light, let the sun eclipse you
'Cause your flight is about to leave
And there's more to this brave adventure
Than you'd ever believe
Bird's eye view
Awake the stars 'cause they're all around you
Wide eyes will always brighten the blue
Chase your dreams
And remember me, sweet bravery
'Cause after all those wings will take you up so high
So bid the forest floor goodbye as you brace the wind and
Take to the sky
You take to the sky
On the heels of war and wonder
There's a stormy world up there
You can't whisper above the thunder
But you can fly anywhere
Purple burst of paper birds
This picture paints a thousand words
So take of breath of myth and mystery
And don't look back
Bird's eye view,
Awake the stars 'cause they're all around you
Wide eyes will always brighten the blue
Chase your dreams,
And remember me, sweet bravery
'Cause after all those wings will take you up so high
So bid the forest floor goodbye as you brace the wind and
Take to the sky
(You take to the sky)
There's a realm above the trees (where the lost are finally found)
So touch your feathers to the breeze (and leave the ground)
Bird's eye view,
Awake the stars 'cause they're all around you
Wide eyes will always brighten the blue
Chase your dreams,
And remember me, sweet bravery
'Cause after all those wings will take you up so high
So bid the forest floor goodbye as you brace the wind and
Take to the sky
You take to the sky
Shipwreck in a sea of faces
There's a dreamy world up there
Dear friends in higher places
Carry me away from here
Travel light, let the sun eclipse you
'Cause your flight is about to leave
And there's more to this brave adventure
Than you'd ever believe
Bird's eye view
Awake the stars 'cause they're all around you
Wide eyes will always brighten the blue
Chase your dreams
And remember me, sweet bravery
'Cause after all those wings will take you up so high
So bid the forest floor goodbye as you brace the wind and
Take to the sky
You take to the sky
On the heels of war and wonder
There's a stormy world up there
You can't whisper above the thunder
But you can fly anywhere
Purple burst of paper birds
This picture paints a thousand words
So take of breath of myth and mystery
And don't look back
Bird's eye view,
Awake the stars 'cause they're all around you
Wide eyes will always brighten the blue
Chase your dreams,
And remember me, sweet bravery
'Cause after all those wings will take you up so high
So bid the forest floor goodbye as you brace the wind and
Take to the sky
(You take to the sky)
There's a realm above the trees (where the lost are finally found)
So touch your feathers to the breeze (and leave the ground)
Bird's eye view,
Awake the stars 'cause they're all around you
Wide eyes will always brighten the blue
Chase your dreams,
And remember me, sweet bravery
'Cause after all those wings will take you up so high
So bid the forest floor goodbye as you brace the wind and
Take to the sky
You take to the sky
Friday, December 17, 2010
If Only Tears Could Bring You Back
--Midnight Sons (Pokemon The First Movie Soundtrack)
How will I start
Tomorrow without you here
Who's heart will guide me
When all the answers disappear
Is it too late
Are you too far gone to stay
This one's forever
Should never have to go away
What will I do
You know I'm only half without you
How will I make it through
If only tears could bring you back to me
If only love could find a way
What I would do, what I would give
If you returned to me someday
Somehow, someway
If my tears could bring you back to me
I'd cry you an ocean
If you'd sail on home again
Waves of emotion
Will carry you, I know they can
Just love will guide you
And your heart will chart the course
Soon you'll be drifting
Into the arms of your true north
Look in my eyes
And you will see a million tears have gone by
And still they're not dry
If only tears could bring you back to me
If only love could find a way
What I would do, what I would give
If you returned to me someday
Somehow, someway
If my tears could bring you back to me
I hold you close
And shout the words I only whispered before
For one more chance, for one last dance
There's not a thing I would not endure
If only tears could bring you back to me
If only love could find a way
What I would do, what I would give
If you returned to me someday
Somehow, someway
If my tears could bring you back to me
How will I start
Tomorrow without you here
Who's heart will guide me
When all the answers disappear
Is it too late
Are you too far gone to stay
This one's forever
Should never have to go away
What will I do
You know I'm only half without you
How will I make it through
If only tears could bring you back to me
If only love could find a way
What I would do, what I would give
If you returned to me someday
Somehow, someway
If my tears could bring you back to me
I'd cry you an ocean
If you'd sail on home again
Waves of emotion
Will carry you, I know they can
Just love will guide you
And your heart will chart the course
Soon you'll be drifting
Into the arms of your true north
Look in my eyes
And you will see a million tears have gone by
And still they're not dry
If only tears could bring you back to me
If only love could find a way
What I would do, what I would give
If you returned to me someday
Somehow, someway
If my tears could bring you back to me
I hold you close
And shout the words I only whispered before
For one more chance, for one last dance
There's not a thing I would not endure
If only tears could bring you back to me
If only love could find a way
What I would do, what I would give
If you returned to me someday
Somehow, someway
If my tears could bring you back to me
Thursday, December 16, 2010
In the Dark
--Morgan Page
Capture here a moment,
you know less if u don't notice
the way the moon shines down on us tonight.
Don't be so afraid to open up when its so obvious
that you and I are beckoned by this light.
Because you can fool yourself into wanting something else,
but you'll be running back to see me;
you can play this game
while memories remain,
I know you're holding out for something real.
Because you can see a spark somewhere in the dark,
but only when it's gone will you feel it.
You can feel it start
someplace in your heart,
but only if you try to believe it.
So take a minute of your time,
reflect on your life,
see how it feels living life alone again.
And I know you're afraid
to see yourself in that way,
but everytime you try
you step back in the light again.
Because you can fool yourself into wanting something else,
but you'll be running back to see me.
You can play this game
while memories remain,
I know you're holding out for something real.
Because you can see a spark somewhere in the dark,
but only when its gone will you feel it.
You can feel it start
someplace in your heart,
but only if you try to believe it
Why'd you keep your love from me?
Why were you hiding out from me?
Come to me, I need you close,
I need your everything the most,
so give' to me.
Because you can fool yourself into wanting something else,
but you'll be running back to see me.
you can play this game,
While memories remain,
I know you're holding out for something real.
Because you can see a spark somewhere in the dark,
but only when it's gone will you feel it.
You can feel it start
someplace in your heart,
but only if you try to believe it...
Capture here a moment,
you know less if u don't notice
the way the moon shines down on us tonight.
Don't be so afraid to open up when its so obvious
that you and I are beckoned by this light.
Because you can fool yourself into wanting something else,
but you'll be running back to see me;
you can play this game
while memories remain,
I know you're holding out for something real.
Because you can see a spark somewhere in the dark,
but only when it's gone will you feel it.
You can feel it start
someplace in your heart,
but only if you try to believe it.
So take a minute of your time,
reflect on your life,
see how it feels living life alone again.
And I know you're afraid
to see yourself in that way,
but everytime you try
you step back in the light again.
Because you can fool yourself into wanting something else,
but you'll be running back to see me.
You can play this game
while memories remain,
I know you're holding out for something real.
Because you can see a spark somewhere in the dark,
but only when its gone will you feel it.
You can feel it start
someplace in your heart,
but only if you try to believe it
Why'd you keep your love from me?
Why were you hiding out from me?
Come to me, I need you close,
I need your everything the most,
so give' to me.
Because you can fool yourself into wanting something else,
but you'll be running back to see me.
you can play this game,
While memories remain,
I know you're holding out for something real.
Because you can see a spark somewhere in the dark,
but only when it's gone will you feel it.
You can feel it start
someplace in your heart,
but only if you try to believe it...
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Collide
--Howie Day
The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
I'm open, your closed
Where I'll follow you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find you and I collide
I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
Somehow find you and I collide
Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find you and I collide
The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
I'm open, your closed
Where I'll follow you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find you and I collide
I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
Somehow find you and I collide
Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find you and I collide
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Head Full of Doubt / Road Full of Promises
There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it
When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn’t change by the man that’s elected
If you’re loved by someone, you’re never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
In the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it
When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn’t change by the man that’s elected
If you’re loved by someone, you’re never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Destroy She Said
Smirnoff Black Cherry reminds me of when my dad died.
That seems strange, doesn't it? Why would cheap alcohol take me back to one of the worst times in my life? The answer is fairly simple. It is also sort of why listening to "Destroy She Said" by CIRC reminds me of then (still a good song that I do play when I feel like it).
The time was August 2006. My mom was called to Las Vegas for work and took my brother with her. I asked for the weekend off work and got Friday through the next Monday, an added bonus of one day. I was going to drive out there to meet them, but first I was going to take my dad to the store like my bro always did. That Thursday night I worked 6-11pm as a bagger. Before I left, I called and talked to him to confirm everything. He was really happy because I generally didn't spend much time with him. I went to work like always. That night I came home and drank the rest of my bro's vodka, not at all worried because he would buy me more the next day. He did almost anything I asked of him when I did ask. So I went to bed.
The next morning I got up and got ready and called him to see if he was ready to go. There was no answer, which was odd for him because he always answered the phone. I waited and called a few more times. This was when I knew something was wrong. I got into my car to go to his house, and "Destroy She Said" played on my radio on repeat until I got there. I was already expecting it, but he was dead.
That song and that vodka remind me of then the same way some weird Asian horror movie with Wyatt and Carri, Denny's with Jose, and the song "Jellyhead" do. I'm not sure that will ever go away, and when I listen to that music or drink some cherry Smirnoff, it takes me back to those days. I do have good memories like how he was so happy that I might get the chance to work in the lobby at my store. Two weeks later I was scheduled back there, too late to tell him about. I also was hanging out with Wyatt more, and there was a funny power outage at my store the week prior. It's weird to have nice memories mixed in with sad ones, but I know he could rather me hold onto the good things than the bad. He always laughed at stuff in between complaining, and I miss all of those things dearly.
It has now almost been fours whole years since he became a big mass of energy floating around the universe. I miss him every day, especially as I go on in life and get closer to my goals. I know he would be so proud of me going to UCR and doing well and having a plan in place. He would listen to me bitch about work and make me feel better. The day I graduate I know he will be there in spirit, but I selfishly wish he could be there in flesh, even though he was sick and suffering until his death. I would give almost anything to hug him and feel his Santa Clause beard tickle me again. Yeah, he might have smelled since he couldn't shower, but when I hugged him, that didn't matter. He was my daddy, the only one I would have. So those things that remind me of when he died also remind me of his life. And you know what? I smile inside because I know he would be doing the same thing.
That seems strange, doesn't it? Why would cheap alcohol take me back to one of the worst times in my life? The answer is fairly simple. It is also sort of why listening to "Destroy She Said" by CIRC reminds me of then (still a good song that I do play when I feel like it).
The time was August 2006. My mom was called to Las Vegas for work and took my brother with her. I asked for the weekend off work and got Friday through the next Monday, an added bonus of one day. I was going to drive out there to meet them, but first I was going to take my dad to the store like my bro always did. That Thursday night I worked 6-11pm as a bagger. Before I left, I called and talked to him to confirm everything. He was really happy because I generally didn't spend much time with him. I went to work like always. That night I came home and drank the rest of my bro's vodka, not at all worried because he would buy me more the next day. He did almost anything I asked of him when I did ask. So I went to bed.
The next morning I got up and got ready and called him to see if he was ready to go. There was no answer, which was odd for him because he always answered the phone. I waited and called a few more times. This was when I knew something was wrong. I got into my car to go to his house, and "Destroy She Said" played on my radio on repeat until I got there. I was already expecting it, but he was dead.
That song and that vodka remind me of then the same way some weird Asian horror movie with Wyatt and Carri, Denny's with Jose, and the song "Jellyhead" do. I'm not sure that will ever go away, and when I listen to that music or drink some cherry Smirnoff, it takes me back to those days. I do have good memories like how he was so happy that I might get the chance to work in the lobby at my store. Two weeks later I was scheduled back there, too late to tell him about. I also was hanging out with Wyatt more, and there was a funny power outage at my store the week prior. It's weird to have nice memories mixed in with sad ones, but I know he could rather me hold onto the good things than the bad. He always laughed at stuff in between complaining, and I miss all of those things dearly.
It has now almost been fours whole years since he became a big mass of energy floating around the universe. I miss him every day, especially as I go on in life and get closer to my goals. I know he would be so proud of me going to UCR and doing well and having a plan in place. He would listen to me bitch about work and make me feel better. The day I graduate I know he will be there in spirit, but I selfishly wish he could be there in flesh, even though he was sick and suffering until his death. I would give almost anything to hug him and feel his Santa Clause beard tickle me again. Yeah, he might have smelled since he couldn't shower, but when I hugged him, that didn't matter. He was my daddy, the only one I would have. So those things that remind me of when he died also remind me of his life. And you know what? I smile inside because I know he would be doing the same thing.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Fireflies
--Owl City
You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
'Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude
But I would just stand and stare
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep
Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep
To ten million fireflies
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell
But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams
You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
'Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude
But I would just stand and stare
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep
Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep
To ten million fireflies
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell
But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Fight For You
--Morgan Page with Lissie
Meeting you here, the night’s alight with midnight cheer
Our dust still unsettled, I feel the plucking of our petals
I’m drawing circles don’t you know, protect the seed that wants to grow
To a garden, pardon my territory
Be friendly but cautious, you’re gonna have to count your losses
Easily attracted, but dangerous to get distracted
I’m drawing circles don’t you know, protect the seed that wants to grow
To a garden, pardon my territory
I’d fight for you
I never knew that I could feel this way
I’m right for you
This kinda love don’t happen everyday
I’d fight for you
I didn’t wanna have to raise my voice
I’m right for you
You really leave me with no choice
So what do you want and what are you thinking?
Isn’t it about time you stuck up for me?
But what you can’t see is we’re under siege
And I only fight because I believe
Not gonna share you no
I’d fight for you
I never knew that I could feel this way
I’m right for you
This kinda love don’t happen everyday
I’d fight for you
I didn’t wanna have to raise my voice
I’m right for you
You really leave me with no choice
Meeting you here, the night’s alight with midnight cheer
Our dust still unsettled, I feel the plucking of our petals
I’m drawing circles don’t you know, protect the seed that wants to grow
To a garden, pardon my territory
Be friendly but cautious, you’re gonna have to count your losses
Easily attracted, but dangerous to get distracted
I’m drawing circles don’t you know, protect the seed that wants to grow
To a garden, pardon my territory
I’d fight for you
I never knew that I could feel this way
I’m right for you
This kinda love don’t happen everyday
I’d fight for you
I didn’t wanna have to raise my voice
I’m right for you
You really leave me with no choice
So what do you want and what are you thinking?
Isn’t it about time you stuck up for me?
But what you can’t see is we’re under siege
And I only fight because I believe
Not gonna share you no
I’d fight for you
I never knew that I could feel this way
I’m right for you
This kinda love don’t happen everyday
I’d fight for you
I didn’t wanna have to raise my voice
I’m right for you
You really leave me with no choice
Monday, November 9, 2009
Coincidence?
Right now, listening to "Girl on TV" by LFO (boy band from back when I was in high school) and browsing my MySpace pictures...an ad at the bottom was for Jennifer Love Hewitt, whom the song I'm listening to is about.
>_> Odd
>_> Odd
Monday, September 7, 2009
Seasons of Music
Fall 1999 Shades of Purple by M2M
Spring 2000 Pokemon: 2BA Master by various
Summer/Fall 2000 Pokemon 2000 by various
Spring 2001 Evan and Jaron by Evan and Jaron
Summer 2001 Sarina Paris by Sarina Paris
Fall 2001 Digital Love by Daft Punk
Winter 2001 Now 8 by various
Spring 2002 Disc One: All Their Greatest Hits, Best of Trance Volume 2, Two Worlds by Barenaked Ladies and ATB
Summer 2002 Intuition by DJ Encore
Fall 2002 Complicated by Avril Lavigne
Spring 2003 200 km/h in the Wrong Direction by t.A.T.u.
Summer 2003 Trance Party Volume 3 by various
Fall 2003 Addicted to Music by ATB
Spring 2004 Fallen by Evanescence
Fall 2005 Dangerous and Moving, Humanity by t.A.T.u. and ATB
Spring 2005 No Silence by ATB
Spring 2007 Odyssey, Trilogy, The Best Damn Thing by Fischerspooner, ATB, and Avril Lavigne
Summer 2007 We Are Pilots by Shiny Toy Guns
Fall 2007 Heroes & Thieves by Vanessa Carlton
Spring 2008 Imagine by Armin van Buuren
Summer 2008 Elevate by Morgan Page
Spring 2009 Future Memories by ATB
Summer 2009 Party Around the World by Smile.dk
Spring 2000 Pokemon: 2BA Master by various
Summer/Fall 2000 Pokemon 2000 by various
Spring 2001 Evan and Jaron by Evan and Jaron
Summer 2001 Sarina Paris by Sarina Paris
Fall 2001 Digital Love by Daft Punk
Winter 2001 Now 8 by various
Spring 2002 Disc One: All Their Greatest Hits, Best of Trance Volume 2, Two Worlds by Barenaked Ladies and ATB
Summer 2002 Intuition by DJ Encore
Fall 2002 Complicated by Avril Lavigne
Spring 2003 200 km/h in the Wrong Direction by t.A.T.u.
Summer 2003 Trance Party Volume 3 by various
Fall 2003 Addicted to Music by ATB
Spring 2004 Fallen by Evanescence
Fall 2005 Dangerous and Moving, Humanity by t.A.T.u. and ATB
Spring 2005 No Silence by ATB
Spring 2007 Odyssey, Trilogy, The Best Damn Thing by Fischerspooner, ATB, and Avril Lavigne
Summer 2007 We Are Pilots by Shiny Toy Guns
Fall 2007 Heroes & Thieves by Vanessa Carlton
Spring 2008 Imagine by Armin van Buuren
Summer 2008 Elevate by Morgan Page
Spring 2009 Future Memories by ATB
Summer 2009 Party Around the World by Smile.dk
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Blown Away
--Shiny Toy Guns
Days
I haven't seen days
Just solid water
Down my face
Days
I've missed so many days
In a world that has become an unfamiliar place
Now to you, I'm just an unfamiliar face
I'm losing myself again
You swore you'd be around this time
When revelation calls
And everything is blown away
When revelation calls
And everything is blown away
Blown Away
Will you still be there
With your heart boarded up
Nailed with my mistakes
Should I start giving up
Or am I too late
I'm losing myself again
Turning us into friends this time
When revelation calls
And everything is blown away
When revelation calls
And everything is blown away
Blown Away
Sheltered days, everybody wants more
And take it away, everybody wants yours
These sheltered days, everybody wants more
We never change
When revelation calls
And everything is blown away
When revelation calls
And everything is blown away
Blown Away
Days
I haven't seen days
Just solid water
Down my face
Days
I've missed so many days
In a world that has become an unfamiliar place
Now to you, I'm just an unfamiliar face
I'm losing myself again
You swore you'd be around this time
When revelation calls
And everything is blown away
When revelation calls
And everything is blown away
Blown Away
Will you still be there
With your heart boarded up
Nailed with my mistakes
Should I start giving up
Or am I too late
I'm losing myself again
Turning us into friends this time
When revelation calls
And everything is blown away
When revelation calls
And everything is blown away
Blown Away
Sheltered days, everybody wants more
And take it away, everybody wants yours
These sheltered days, everybody wants more
We never change
When revelation calls
And everything is blown away
When revelation calls
And everything is blown away
Blown Away
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Nothing Left to Lose
--Mat Kearney
Something's in the air tonight
The sky's alive with a burning light
You can mark my words something's about to break
And I found myself in a bitter fight
While I've held your hand through the darkest night
Don't know where you're coming from but you're coming soon
[bridge]
To a kid from Oregon by way of California
All of this is more than I've ever known or seen
[chorus]
Come on and we'll sing, like we were free
Push the pedal down watch the world around fly by us
Come on and we'll try, one last time
I'm off the floor one more time to find you
And here we go there's nothing left to choose
And here we go there's nothing left to lose
So I packed my car and I headed east
Where I felt your fire and a sweet release
There's a fire in these hills that's coming down
And I don't know much but I found you here
And I can not wait another year
Don't know where you're coming from but you're coming soon
[bridge]
[chorus]
I can still hear the trains out my window
From Hobart Street to here in Nashville
I can still smell the pomegranates grow
And I don't know how hard this wind will blow
Or where we'll go
[chorus]
Something's in the air tonight
The sky's alive with a burning light
You can mark my words something's about to break
And I found myself in a bitter fight
While I've held your hand through the darkest night
Don't know where you're coming from but you're coming soon
[bridge]
To a kid from Oregon by way of California
All of this is more than I've ever known or seen
[chorus]
Come on and we'll sing, like we were free
Push the pedal down watch the world around fly by us
Come on and we'll try, one last time
I'm off the floor one more time to find you
And here we go there's nothing left to choose
And here we go there's nothing left to lose
So I packed my car and I headed east
Where I felt your fire and a sweet release
There's a fire in these hills that's coming down
And I don't know much but I found you here
And I can not wait another year
Don't know where you're coming from but you're coming soon
[bridge]
[chorus]
I can still hear the trains out my window
From Hobart Street to here in Nashville
I can still smell the pomegranates grow
And I don't know how hard this wind will blow
Or where we'll go
[chorus]
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Two Things
Newest favorite song: "Fireflies" by Owl City.
If there was another white judge up for nominee to the Supreme Court, they would not be pushing so hard about he or she being inclined toward favoring their own race. Sotomayor getting grilled in such a way is nonsense.
If there was another white judge up for nominee to the Supreme Court, they would not be pushing so hard about he or she being inclined toward favoring their own race. Sotomayor getting grilled in such a way is nonsense.
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