Open Letter to My Brother (that he may or may not see)

You may rant about you friend, but you will never know what it’s like to deal with someone who truly has issues and refuses help. Neurotransmitters are no joke. They are not a conspiracy by big pharma. Sometimes people’s brains suck and don’t make them. My anxiety has shown this to me first hand. Mom and Dad both had depression and took pills that worked at various states in their lives. Oftentimes people don’t have family, insurance, or both. Mom may be gone, but you always had her, and you still have me. You also have the luxury of living in California, which provides you healthcare. You have support and access to treatment, and rather than compromise and look for something that works, you still put me through the ringer even after we agreed to do each other better. Yet here I am. Just last night you were telling me how grateful you were for me not giving up, how you loved me. Then tonight you get irrationally angry at a dumb joke, and I snap in frustration. I’m sorry. Yelling is immature, and I should never yell unless its Charly grubbing for food. If you think back on it, the last time I yelled was a month ago. I am trying so hard, and I’m sorry I slipped. But rather than meet me halfway, you shut down and then you sped off in your car with no insurance and that is not registered, putting yourself at risk of a cop having a boring/shitty night. You made me cry because yet again all my efforts felt worthless. I wished so hard for Mom, but she is gone, and I am left to live with and try and help you alone. On the bad days, it is crushing, but I persist.

I need to say some other things to try and make you understand all that has happened and that yet Mom and I both stayed and tried to help, that I am still trying no matter how sad and angry your actions make me. 

You’ll never know how it feels to be afraid of someone you love and afraid for them at the same time. I took it to extremes and cried and ran to Mom, but since she died, I have learned how she enabled me and how I was acting like a jerk a lot of the time. Still, you put so much stress on her and me, and I yet here I am. The way she always was.

You will never know how each bad episode gives your loved one a flashback and makes them experience PTSD. Last year, when you cut yourself on New Year’s and ran off and were finally taken to the hospital, Mom and I had terrible anxiety. Every sound we heard made us jump, made us wonder if you came back. We cried to each other and both finally fell asleep sometime after 3am. Mom didn’t even want to call you for the first day or so because she was so traumatized. Yet she cashed in her saved, special quarters so you could call us. She drove me to see you, and she finally relented along with me when It was time to pick you up. We bought Taco Bell and brought you home under the agreement of new beginnings, of listening to each other.

We persisted. Just like when we came to see you in Chino Hills at that one place back in 2012, I think. I went to work having no idea where you were and was worried because a girl called the cops that you were threatening to harm yourself with a bag. We wouldn’t know for two more days until they allowed you to call us. We came. We brought clothes. We saw and talked to you. We promised to bring you home. This was where you were first diagnosed. Looking back on the signs and symptoms, Mom believed you had been bipolar since high school. She felt it described your negative behavior like stealing, being influenced, and your strange yet amazing drawings. She felt so bad she had never looked into it before, like she failed you somehow. You were her son. She could never fully give up no matter what happened.

You may diagnose you fiend with your affliction, and I feel badly for her if she has it. But you need help, too. I have agreed. I have tried. But the flip flopping and the getting angry and the shutting me out hurts. Grandmom is getting up there, and Uncle Rob and I have never been terribly close. You are my flesh and blood brother, the only other one who shares half of Mom and Dad with me. I just wish there were words I could say that would make you see where I am coming from. Nothing I have written here was with the intention to hurt you. I simply want you to understand, to truly try and be better. You were in a manic episode yesterday based on your energy level and how much you got done. (Yeah, I’ve been a sloth. I know there’s stuff I need to do, and I promise I’ll do it.) Then today you were down and slept all day to recoup that energy. Based on your mood, I’d say it was also a depressive day. I have bad days, too. I recognize when you have them because you do have normal moods. But your unregulated moods kill me emotionally and spiritually. Again, I just want you to know. I am not making a declaration or anything. If we truly are to get along, to be better, then I felt like I needed to let you know all of this. If we aren’t honest with our feelings, then nothing can be better. Just please read them and try to understand. Be rational when you discuss any points with me. I just want to be normal.

RIP, Chester

"I will never know
myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything 'til I break away from me
And I will break away,
And find myself today."

--My feelings, high school/early twenties. This band impacted me in several ways, and this quote is a good example of how. May he rest in peace. May his family find comfort despite the loss that he was adored by fans, many of whom whose lives he impacted and even saved. I'm so sorry he lost his battle. Hopefully we use this as a talking point about mental illness. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it affects people any less than something more physical.

Anti-vaccine Rant

Normally I don't engage assholes on Facebook about vaccines. My own brother is an anti-vaxxer (likely due in in part to his untreated bipolar disorder- he's always been  prone to conspiracy BS). But I got ragey about his lady who posted her sick daughter who was unable to get the chicken pox vaccine due to a kidney transplant. She's a nurse and just wanted to bring attention to the fact that her daughter's life-threatening condition could have been prevented. She wasn't even on a soapbox or anything. She just wanted to tell a story.

But the jerks came out in the comments en masse, talking about autism and vaccines causing death and disabilities (which they can though this is very rare). Plus poison and mercury and Big Pharma and the corrupt CDC. Citing articles from the 90s as support of the autism link (which is big fat  BULL SHIT and any normal human being would realize saying all cases of autism are worse than death is scumbag behavior. 

Fuck these people. They are scum. They are scientifically illiterate and a danger to society. Personal freedom ends when your behavior affects someone else. In the mood I am in tonight, I hope one of these fools gets arrested and convicted for the death one of them will inevitably cause someone else who could not be vaccinated. I hope that sets precedent. Fuck them and their ignorance. 

Below is my unposted comment. I won't post it because there is no arguing with idiots.

"Except thimerosal is different than the elemental mercury that has been proven to be harmful like the kind found in old thermometers and energy-saving light bulbs. Basic knowledge of chemistry would help you understand this. Remove/add an atom or group of them and it changes the way our bodies receive something. Also, vaccines don't contain this ingredient anymore anyway thanks to fear mongering. It was removed as a precaution thanks to ignorant fools like you. Honestly, if you think everyone at the CDC is bought and paid for, you're gullible as hell, and I have a vaccine antidote to sell you that will cure you of your idiocracy. I would rather have an autistic child than have that one that dies from a disease previous generations were severely affected by. When the polio vaccine came out, people stood in line FOR HOURS to get vaccinated because they saw the damage this disease did. Forget how smallpox decimated the Native Americans because they had no immunity and how many were left blind, deaf, and sterile from mumps, measles, and rubella. But no, no one would contract these diseases so why do we have vaccines? I'm a huge proponent of letting people live their lives their own way, but people like you are a parasite on the social norms we as a civilized society agreed to. By not vaccinating yourself or your children, you are putting people at risk, even though you are so far removed from fact-based reality to understand this. Honestly, myself and many others would chip in to buy all of you liked-minded folks an island so you could live out your pathetic anti-science lives and leave the rest of us the fuck alone."

Comment Fail

So, ugh. This guy is a DJ I friended back in 2009. I liked his music and stuff and kept him on my list because he seemed cool otherwise.

Lately, he posts a lot lamenting how he can't find a girl to truly like and get him. He's chubby, Wiccan, into ghosts, and weird. I would like him were it not for his posts and likes. His likes are always super skinny and 'hot' girls. He can totally be attracted to them but should not expect to only be liked by females that look like they do. He laments about the friendzone often. Then he posts this gem, calling an Asian friend sensei when referencing a food that originated in China and India and is now mostly a Filipino dish.

I hate to be one of those people, but a sexist, entitled attitude that can't differentiate between Asian cultures is ugly.

Let's Go

Everything Old Is New

Right in the feels.

Comment Win XIX

Comment Win XVIII

Comment Win XVII

RE: Celebrities Clinton and Trump hang out with via BuzzFeed (Trump and the Minions)

17 August 2016

Today was odd. Due to the massive wildfire, school was cancelled therefore I stayed home from work. This was fine since the major travel corridor was still shut down due to damage and current danger. (I was not about to travel back the way I came home, which took four hours.)

We've literally been back for only four days. I had one student email me about the homework so she could get done what I assigned. I had another ask if I got home safely (I knew her from last year when she was in my study hall). My Kanto gym badges came in the mail, the ones I ordered to wear for the cosplay rally that was supposed to be on Friday. My brother found a nail in my tire in a place that is not repairable. I need a new tire (or a used one, rather). I got a free Lofthouse sugar cookie at the grocery store since they are celebrating their 80th anniversary. I also got a red balloon because why not? Everyone likes balloons. (Though I quipped to my brother I was a grown thirty year old woman holding a balloon happily like the children around me. #noshame)

As I was emailing that concerned student back, I got a text. School is cancelled the rest of the week. I figured it would be. The fire is pretty bad, and last I checked, it was only 4% contained. Many people in the area are evacuated. A school in the district is an evac center. So many men and women fighting it on everyone's behalf after that fire near the lake last week. The planes and helicopters could be seen from my house as could the smoke. I saw the orange clouds from Big Bear last night as I drove through the city on my unwanted adventure quest home.

Is this our new normal? Massive fires that burn and burn, destroying lives and history? While Louisiana drowns in excess amounts of water not seen in centuries? As I was leaving school yesterday afternoon. I thought to myself that at least this fire could be used in a lesson later on in the year when I tackle climate change. We are having the hottest year on record yet again. This coupled with the lack of humidity that is normal, the dead plants from almost no rain despite the predicted (and failed, at least in SoCal) El Nino, and the winds that are par the course lay the breeding grounds for fires. It's only going to get worse.

I can teach my students about this very real and science-backed phenomenon, I also despair. The world needs to change, but I am one person. I can make a dent in my classroom, but the world is far too vast for my reach. (Despite some friends' assertions in high school, I was never cut out for politics.)

So while communities near my house burn, while people are displaced and fearful, I still manage to find small happiness in my balloon and gym badges. Then I feel bad. But should I? I don't know. I'm probably overthinking this. I cannot deny I like this small break from school despite having just started. I'm sure the students not affected by the fire feel the same. I'm in no danger, but I hope for the safety of others as I watch the news and keep checking the Inciweb page. I guess I'm just rambling.

At least I have extra time for lesson planning I guess? Or more likely playing games on my phone and not writing in my story.

I'll see.

DNC Day Four

-Khizr Khan, whose Muslim son US Army Captain Humayun Khan was KIA

-Sarah McBride, first transgender person to address the convention for any major party
-Jennifer Granholm
-Retired general surrounded by other generals, admirals, and vets of the last two wars
-Andrew Cuomo
-Mayor Garcetti of Los Angeles
-LGBTQ rights
-Republicans who are voting for her (former Regan speechwriter being one)
-Katy Perry
-Chelsea's intro and the Hillary video
-Hillary's speech

 At 19:47 PDT:  She accepts the nomination!!

Small details ARE a big deal because they impact our lives.
"When one barrier falls, it clears the way for everyone."
"And I believe in science."
"He spoke for seventy-odd minutes, and I do mean odd."
"Way too many dreams die in the parking lots of banks."
20:12- Going after Trump
"No, Donald....you don't. " (re: knowing more about ISIS than the generals)
"A man you can bait with a tweet is not a man we can trust with nuclear weapons."
"But I ask you, how can we stand by and do nothing?" (re: gun violence)

And then the balloons drop.

Hope. Diversity. Unity. 

Stronger together. Do the most good.

I'm on board all the way. Twenty-four years ago, my parents brought my brother and I to see Bill campaigning in the city next door, and I will never forget that. I will also never forget watching the 1996 election with my dad , playing with Lincoln logs and my red Chevron car, hoping that he would win and being so happy when he did. I was only ten. I didn't do much to help Obama get elected except vote for him and urge others to do the same while I also tried to dispel the misinformation. This time, I will do more. The stakes are too high, and I truly believe in her as my candidate. It won't be easy since I'm a full-time teacher reworking my curriculum, but I'll find a way.

Onward to a brighter future for ALL.

DNC Day Three

-"Donald Lump"
-Tim Kaine's Trump impression
-Tim Kaine
-Ending gun violence
-Women's rights
-Military and law enforcement
-Joe Biden's speech
-Climate change
-Obama's speech
-Hillary on stage with Barack

I really like Tim Kaine. Tonight was more optimism while still acknowledging our shortcomings. One more day to go. She'll accept the nomination tomorrow, and we'll hear from her and Chelsea.

I'm more than ready to call her Madam President in January.

DNC: Our Fight Song

DNC Day Two

So today we officially nominated Hillary Clinton as the Democratic candidate for president. I was concerned about the roll call, that Bernie supporters may be loud and only cause a larger rift. Thankfully, that didn't happen. It went smoothly, and Bernie moved that she become the nominee.

The rest of the evening and night was filled with speakers telling personal stories about the ways she had impacted their lives both personally and through policies that she fought for. Then they capped it off with Bill speaking for about forty minutes. I feel this went a long way to humanize her as he talked about what she's done and how they built a life together. By the end of it all, I feel like the party has finally united. We can only get stronger over not just the next two days but the months leading up to the election and the years following as we work to make this country better for all of us.

Highlights (besides what I listed above):

-"Fight Song" montage
-National Anthem being sung by a young man with cerebral palsy
-9/11 survivor Lauren Manning
-Mothers of the Movement
-Alicia Keys
-Montage at the end of the presidents with Hillary breaking through at the end
-Elizabeth Banks
-Eagle Academy founder and students

I look forward to tomorrow and listening to Obama, Biden, and Kaine. Our convention so far has been great, espousing the virtues of this nation while also acknowledging the work we still have to do. It is far from the doom and gloom of Cleveland last week. We look professional and like the adults we truly are. I always get into the conventions, but I'm truly proud of my party tonight.

See you tomorrow.

DNC Day One

So the DNC is just about done for tonight, and I spent the whole day watching the speakers. I am always amazed at how diverse it is compared to its counterpart. Today they spoke about unity and why Democrats are the ones to move us forward with Clinton at the helm. (Bernie just mentioned SCOTUS and who Drumpf would appoint. He needs to keep hitting at stuff like that so his people will stop booing and support Hillary like he has pledged to do.) Sadly, some of the fools still resisting voting blue (as Sarah Silverman said, they are being ridiculous) just don't get it.

I have vowed to stop wading into comment sections until after November because the vitriol and misinformation are too much. They call Clinton and her supporters like myself a variety of terrible names, embrace the conspiracy theory that the DNC colluded with all of the state parties to deny Bernie the nomination, and press that a third party is the real option. If enough people vote, it can happen, they say. Obviously these people either never took a government/political science class in high school or college, they goofed and didn't learn anything, or they forgot.

We have a constitutional. representative democracy. Change happens slowly, for one thing. Revolutions don't occur overnight. Aside from that, the very foundation of how we vote paves the way for only two viable parties. We award seats in a winner-take-all fashion rather than proportionally like they do in parliamentary systems. As such, we fill Congress with people from just two political parties (Bernie being the exception). Even if enough people voted and put in a Libertarian or Green candidate (can't happen anyway since they won't even be appearing on ballots in every state, and write-ins are useless, sorry to break it to you), Congress would still be divided between blue and red. We have three branches, remember? Separation of powers and all that jazz. For a third party president to get anything done on their agenda, they would need to populate Congress with others of the same. At this point in time, that is fundamentally impossible.

(I was thinking about it, and it seems to me that third parties are way more narrow in scope. Simpler minds can't handle a larger platform, I guess. Also, Libertarians are whiny little babies who don't understand how the real world works. We live in a connected society and have formed compacts with each other and our government so that we can all succeed and live together. This has been eroded, obviously, partly by greed and partly by the mentality that I got mine, so fuck you. I experienced that first hand each time our labor union tried to negotiate a fair contract over the ten years I was there.)

If the notion that someone as vile, selfish, and stupid as Drumpf can become president isn't enough to scare people, then I fear they never were going to vote for Hillary anyway. They'll keep grandstanding, stomping their feet that they didn't get their way. It's almost like they don't understand how our democracy functions because they haven't participated before. Hillary has been hammered for over thirty years, and nothing has ever stuck. She spent her whole life doing public service as has her VP pick Tim Kaine. Sadly, that rhetoric has tarnished her, and I feel that her gender doesn't help things (though I've read plenty of women posting awful things about her).

If you want the establishment to burn down, you are selfish and short-sighted. You have no regard for the real people that will be hurt (and there will sadly be far too many). You never subscribed to our compact, and now you want to put the entire world at risk (Drumpf is dangerous, and the fact that Russians were the ones who hacked the DNC emails in a bid to help him should be very concerning). I'm tired of being nice because people like that are not rational. That's why I am staying away from comments sections, even on trusted pages that are pro-Hillary.

We need to vote blue to keep the White House, take back the Senate, and reclaim governorships. Maybe in two years, we can make the House more blue as well. The stakes are too high to protest Hillary and the DNC, and anyone who doesn't see that may just get their wish.

Comment Win: Trump Edition

How Many More Times?

So trending on Facebook tonight is the tragic story of an eight year old boy who was playing with a handgun and who shot and killed himself by accident. His brother tried to administer CPR, but he still passed away. How many more stories do we have to read? How many more times does someone have to die a completely preventable death? How many more families have to grieve their children, parents, siblings?

People love to bring up the second amendment when we talk about regulating guns, or 'gun control.' I hate that second phrasing now only because it implies we want to reach further than most sensible people actually want. I want firearms to be regulated, which is exactly what the amendment says.

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

First of all, apply some historical context to this. We had just won a bloody war against a country that wanted to keep us as property and not give us equal treatment like other citizens of the empire. Our weapons were muskets, which fired one round at a time and had to be loaded each time with the propellant.  Not exactly the standard in handguns we have now, let alone semi-automatic weapons and extended clips. We wanted to make sure we could protect ourselves from tyranny in the future.

(Side note: The third amendment protects us from housing soldiers in our houses during times of peace. This is ridiculous and would not ever happen now. Still, it exists and would be upheld should the super unlikely ever happen. My point? Our times have changed dramatically since 1789. The constitution was meant to be a living document hence the judicial branch of our government. Moving on.) 

Back to the regulation part. Before I could legally drive, I had to obtain a learner's permit and hold it for six months. I had to take at least three lessons behind the wheel through an approved school. I had to pass a test just to get the permit. Then I had to take a behind-the-wheel exam to get my license. Sure, I could have skipped all of that and drove illegally, but I didn't. I know many people still do it, but we have tried to prevent this with regulatory laws. We have less restrictions on guns in far too many states. 

Yes, people are always going to do things that are against the law. So then why do we have laws at all? Because we are a civilized society (or so I thought) who values the social compact we make with each other. (Same thing goes for vaccination, but that is a whole other ugly monster to tackle later.) 

They wanted to get rid of alcohol in the 1920s via prohibition. That worked out so well that we repealed it thirteen years later. We've done the same to drugs, and that has created a bloated prison population with people in need of treatment rather than punishment. (But there's no money in that, is there, private prison industry?) Same thing goes with abortion, which sadly is more regulated than who can buy a firearm. Outlawing stuff we don't like doesn't make it go away, but regulating things makes sure that, for the most part, it is safer for us as a society. 

So how many more have to die before we let go of our egos that guns make us better, safer, more important than other peoples' right to live? 

How many?

Thoughts on White People and This Election

This morning, Bernie Sanders (finally) endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. He did it with fervor and has made it clear that defeating Donald Trump is his priority. Now that he has gotten concessions on the Democratic Party's platform, this is undoubtedly true. And yet some of his supporters are still clinging to him as the nominee and refusing to vote for her. Most of the comments I have seen have been online so I admit my sample size is limited. What I have noticed about these people, though, is that they are all white. They say they'll vote for some third party person, effectively wasting their votes. In blue and red states, this shouldn't be much of a problem (*rants to self about the electoral college*). In swing states, this could be an issue.

Now why did I mention white people at all? Because we as white folks have no clue the issues minorities face in our country. Trump and his ilk are dangerous. Racist jerks have felt emboldened since 2010, when a red tide of stupidity swept over the nation because the big, scary black man was in office. This is not to say the all Republicans are racist. Indeed, the people I know who are Republicans are mixed in ethnicity themselves. But every racist thing I've seen and heard has been from a Republican. The nominee of their party has stated his plan to build a wall along our border with Mexico (because that fence worked so well). He's also expressed the opinion that Muslims should be banned from coming here (!!). Racial tensions have swelled since Pres. Obama took office but not because he stoked the flames. The politicians, "leaders" of our nation, have done so well enough on their own by what they say. Racists eat that stuff up, and now that a racist, misogynistic narcissist with a bad spray tan is leading the party and garnering over 13 million votes, people feel justified in their hate.

So to all you white people calling her Killary or Shillary, who think she is so damn corrupt despite nothing ever legally sticking, who don't know what she has really done for the most vulnerable of our people: if Trump is elected because of your stupidity and ignorance, then you have each contributed to further acts of hate committed against people of color. Get over yourselves. Unite, vote blue, and campaign to get Democrats elected to congress, where policy change can truly happen.

Kindered Spirits

From a conversation I had with an acquaintance (red) from the credential program earlier today. I got annoyed with her negative attitude a few months ago, but tonight her comment resonated with me.

Blurb

As the 20th anniversary of the first Spice Girls single is upon us (in conjunction with the talk of late about the socially constructed notion of race in relation to how people are perceived and treated) I remembered something.

In my stupid girl clique of 5th grade, we all were labeled a certain Spice Girl. I was Scary Spice. The reason my friends sorted me this way? My fluffy hair (I had super curly locks thanks to my dad getting my curly hair layered against my mom's wishes). And I accepted it no problem, even though Mel B was black, and I very clearly was not. (My high school friends called me transparent because of how white I was compared to them, which I always laughed at.)

My point? That hate is taught. I never saw a difference with Mel B, let alone one existent because of skin. Going deeper, I never saw my friends for their color, just their similar interests and ability to be friends with a lowly dork like me. I made stupid ass race jokes in 9th grade after 9/11 (not my shining moment and a time I acknowledge exists in my evolution as a person).

There are a million things I can say, and I probably will tomorrow. For now, I just want to point out how biases are stupid social constructs that stem from the inability of people to recognize that differences are not scary, are not stereotypes to help us form opinions that allow us to paint a brush over many individuals. And yet they keep resulting in the deaths of human beings labeled quickly as anything but in the minds of the ones pulling the trigger.

Black lives matter. (All lives do, but I understand the frustration that people with dark skin are thrown aside so often, their voices ignored.)

Violence against law enforcement in general is wrong. Those cops in Dallas were doing their jobs.

People who can see both sides, empathize with them, are labeled a threat along with the people so tired of being ignored. People like Joe Walsh (failed one-term congressman from Illinois who lost his seat to real patriot Tammy Duckworth) only stand for hate and ignorance.

I thought this to myself earlier: We're not listening to their voices. Soon, we won't be able to ignore their gunshots. And that is not an acceptable answer for anyone.