Forgot what I was looking for

Do you have something that you really, really want? You're a hundred percent sure it is worth it and think about it when ever you get a chance? You ever have a really good week where that thing keeps you motivated? Then the next week it all goes south for not reason at all? You're making yourself be afraid and unsure for no reason, and it's killing not only your mood but that nice feeling you were having. It sucks, and you don't know why you keep killing that for yourself. You're tired of the status quo and are ready to move on towards that thing. The only thing holding you back is you. When nothing else should matter, you let that fear of the unknown muck everything around until you no longer are sure of what you want. And you want to run and break free and just do something to express this frustration or to move yourself closer to that goal, anything to feel better and get out of this shackled existence you've forced upon yourself. What makes it worse is that it is no one's doing but your own. And you're like goddammit. Everything sucks, but it's your fault. Things were so much better in high school, and that dream and calling were so much easier to embrace. It was a fanciful dream that I guess I am still reluctant to admit was false all along. I even think I figured out why it is hard for me to connect to little kids. It's because of my own childhood. Last week felt so much better. What is up with this week, man? It sucks.

Dreams

So instead of going to sleep, I am posting another blog after touring my Myspace groups. I had the weirdest dream last night, and when I woke up, it felt real even though it was completely improbable. First of all, I had these friends I had never met before. We took a plane to Europe (?), and I had the insane idea we could fly back in time for my shift at five that night. On the way home, I call my store from my cell and tell my manager I probably won't be in that night 'cause I'm stuck on a plane. Then I'm searching for someone to tell me when we'll land. There was something about the Grand Canyon and a fridge full of little mini alcohol bottles. I went to try this stuff called Hypnotiq, but I dumped it out instead. I remember clearly talking to my manager, and the people I was with gave me this bad feeling. I didn't even remember my dream until I was at work. I told my two mangers about it, and they thought it was funny. I do too, but it was more weird than anything for me.

I kind of know what it means, but then again, I don't. The being late and flying somewhere I've always wanted to visit could mean I feel that place is holding me back. That's why I'm in school, though. The dumping of the liqueur means that I threw away the last bottle I am going to buy for a while because I don't need to be doing that every night like I have been. It isn't good for anyone, especially my family where alcoholism runs and when I liked getting drunk since the first time when I was 16. I got sick at the beginning of my senior year when my friend mixed wines together. He threw it all up right then. I didn't but wanted to for the next three days because I had every other symptom on the Pepto Bismol bottle. Then I drank all that vodka at his house later that year and passed out and almost broke my nose. Not good times.

So yeah. I hope I truly am motivated this time around. I am tired of the status quo and would like to move on as soon as possible. I've been in a rut the last two years or so, and now I need to go forward again.