And I Miss You

I've been missing my dad a lot lately. I see little kids with their fathers, and I miss those days. I miss talking to him, going to his house, just whatever. Next weekend we're going to finally release his ashes. My mom doesn't like them here, but my brother has seemed reluctant in letting go. But I think I'm finally ready.I don't know why it took so long for me to really miss him. Maybe my grieving process has just been really slow. I don't even really want to talk about it too much. I just wanted to get that part out in the open somewhere. I acted like a brat for so long to him. He wasn't the best dad ever sometimes, but he was my dad. He was my only dad. I wish he was still here so much it makes me sadder than anything, even last August when he died. That was more than a year ago now, and sometimes I even picture how I found him. Then I push it out of my mind. That wasn't the dad I knew, and he wouldn't want me to remember him like that. He was fun. He took us cool places, bought us cool things, and was there for the important stuff. When my parents got divorced, the only real change was that he lived in a different house. I remember lying at the park with him and Andrew, and we all played 20 Questions. I remember when I graduated fifth grade, and that night he took my to his job to lock up and they were paving the parking lot. I remember him coming to the awards for track and field when I was on the team in sixth grade. I remember the flowers he gave me at my eighth grade promotion, and I remember him dropping me off early after I spent the night at his house for the field trip to Dana Point. I rememeber all of these small things that meant so much, and I miss him. I miss him more than I've ever said aloud. I reread the blog I wrote last December about it, and it made me feel worse. That's why I'm writing now. I only want to remember the good guy he was, even though it makes me want to cry. I really don't want to cry tonight. If his energy is still floating around the universe, I hope he knows how much I mean that, how much I still think about him and how much I love him.