Rainy Monday

I tried to keep up
Really I did
But I tripped, I stumbled
And the world kept moving
Time still flowed, the endless river
Sol replaced, Luna, Luna replaced Sol
The pattern infinite as space itself
The same black darkness
That now consumes my being
Eating away at me slowly
Each day, a new lost part
Squinting to see those so far ahead
Losing myself in the underbrush
Of the dark path
There is no escape
The cycle, the path
As everlasting as the darkness
That haunts me still

2/10/05

If Only

We take comfort in the past when our present is boring and our future is cloudy. The more we tether ourselves to those memories, the more shackled we become in our present with the inability to move on. What was will never be again, and letting go of that is the key to clearing up the path to what is next. Time moves on in its never ending flow, and people need to move on with it.

“So how long will it be ‘til I can let go?”

The Walk

It was a spring evening that, for all appearances, seemed like any other. The sun had all but disappeared on the horizon, its pink hues mixing in the baby blue sky. It was so simple, but yet it was still a most amazing sight. Voices from the park were carried on the gentle breeze as children laughed and played joyfully, knowing that the school year was coming to a close. Their elementary school was to the west, just beneath the glowing ball. At one time it was my school as well, and there had begun the journey of academia. It had been five years since the promotion to the awkward transitional stage of intermediate school, and already I was half way through high school. Not much had changed in that time save for the company I kept. Through all the fighting that year, we all stuck together, trying as desperately as everyone else to figure out life. We all thought we were different, even chosen as we dubbed ourselves. None of this would matter. The school year was not the only thing coming to an end. As strong as our bonds were, they had suffered the strains and been fractured just enough to release easily. The ravaging of time could not have compared with what we did to ourselves. New bonds were forming. Comrades were leaving. And in the midst of this change, a curious urging compelled me to grab my scooter that afternoon and take off. The spot I stood in as I watched the sunset, felt the wind, and heard the kids playing was the point at which four paths diverged. That chapter of my life was over at that moment, and I knew that never again would I look at the park the same way. At the same time, there were new ways to go, a new phase to embrace. Instead of longing for what was coming to a close, it was something to stride forth into. About to turn sixteen and lose much of what had become important, I took the path I used least, knowing I never again would. Somehow in that moment I realized everything had changed. Everything was as mutable as the wind, and actually, it felt okay.

And I Miss You

I've been missing my dad a lot lately. I see little kids with their fathers, and I miss those days. I miss talking to him, going to his house, just whatever. Next weekend we're going to finally release his ashes. My mom doesn't like them here, but my brother has seemed reluctant in letting go. But I think I'm finally ready.I don't know why it took so long for me to really miss him. Maybe my grieving process has just been really slow. I don't even really want to talk about it too much. I just wanted to get that part out in the open somewhere. I acted like a brat for so long to him. He wasn't the best dad ever sometimes, but he was my dad. He was my only dad. I wish he was still here so much it makes me sadder than anything, even last August when he died. That was more than a year ago now, and sometimes I even picture how I found him. Then I push it out of my mind. That wasn't the dad I knew, and he wouldn't want me to remember him like that. He was fun. He took us cool places, bought us cool things, and was there for the important stuff. When my parents got divorced, the only real change was that he lived in a different house. I remember lying at the park with him and Andrew, and we all played 20 Questions. I remember when I graduated fifth grade, and that night he took my to his job to lock up and they were paving the parking lot. I remember him coming to the awards for track and field when I was on the team in sixth grade. I remember the flowers he gave me at my eighth grade promotion, and I remember him dropping me off early after I spent the night at his house for the field trip to Dana Point. I rememeber all of these small things that meant so much, and I miss him. I miss him more than I've ever said aloud. I reread the blog I wrote last December about it, and it made me feel worse. That's why I'm writing now. I only want to remember the good guy he was, even though it makes me want to cry. I really don't want to cry tonight. If his energy is still floating around the universe, I hope he knows how much I mean that, how much I still think about him and how much I love him.